When Anger Makes Sense: Understanding the Emotion Beneath It
Written by Izzy Antley
Anger is often an unwanted emotion that can come up suddenly, sometimes in surprising ways. It is an intense emotional state triggered by a perceived threat such as social or personal injustice, worry about one’s safety, or a boundary being crossed. Understanding why you feel angry and what you can do about can help you better manage this emotion.
What Is Anger?
Anger, like most emotions, is your body’s natural response to a perceived threat and is often felt as a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Anger is an emotional state and is different from actions or behaviors someone does while they are angry.
For example, a child being told they can’t have ice cream may experience a sinking feeling they cannot manage, and so they throw something, cry, or scream. The behavior of throwing, crying, and screaming is a reaction someone has to feeling an unmanageable amount of anger.
Separating the emotion from the behavior is an important step toward emotional regulation.
Anger might feel like:
Clenching muscles, tension, or trembling
Racing heart or heavy breathing
“Seeing Red”
Feeling hot or sweating
Upset stomach
Behaviors someone might take when they feel angry:
Yelling
Hitting, throwing things, or using more force than is necessary
Threatening with words or gestures
Erratic or intense physical movements
Sarcasm or hurtful words
Stress isn’t always “bad”—in small doses, it can actually boost motivation and focus. But when it becomes chronic, it can take a toll on your mental and physical health.
Why do I feel anger?
Anger isn’t always bad, it has benefits and drawbacks just like any other emotion with one exception: it is typically triggered by another emotion instead of an external event. Imagine you are driving on the freeway and another car cuts you off and slams on the brakes. Most people would feel angry in this situation. This anger is caused by a fear for your safety, however, the fear is less helpful to you at this moment than the anger.
Anger is an activating energy that can provide motivation, willpower, focus, and strength in times of perceived crisis. It is usually triggered by feelings like sadness, fear, or hurt as a way to protect you physically or emotionally. Fundamentally, anger shows up to tell you something is wrong and to help you change it for the better.
How do I stop feeling Angry?
Anger usually persists when its message of “something is wrong, and it needs to change” is not being heard or addressed. Sometimes the situation that triggered the anger has not improved and sometimes the deeper emotion beneath the anger has not been properly acknowledged and felt. Learning to pause, notice what your anger is trying to communicate, and respond intentionally can help the feeling move through you rather than staying stuck.
One of the most difficult parts of anger is that it can feel overwhelming in the moment. When your body is activated, your mind may race. This can make it feel hard to slow down. In these moments, it can help to simply sit with the feeling and focus on calming your nervous system. Coping skills can help bring the body to a more relaxed state.
TIPP stands for:
Temperature – Changing your body temperature quickly can calm the nervous system. Splashing cold water on your face or holding something cold can help reduce emotional intensity.
Intense Exercise – Brief bursts of physical activity, like jumping jacks or a quick walk, can release some of the built-up adrenaline in your body.
Paced Breathing – Slowing your breathing (for example, breathing in for four seconds and out for six seconds) can help your body shift out of a stress response.
Paired Muscle Relaxation – Tensing and releasing muscle groups can reduce the physical tension that often accompanies anger.
These skills don’t make anger go away, they make it more manageable.
Letting off Steam
Letting off steam in safe and constructive ways can also be a good way to address and resolve anger. When you feel angry, your body is full of energy that needs somewhere to go. Releasing that energy through healthy outlets can prevent it from turning into harmful behaviors. When letting off steam it is important to remember to respect yourself, other people, and property. Here are some ideas:
Exercise or physical activity: going for a walk, doing a quick workout, dancing, stretching, punching a pillow
Creativity: singing, playing music, scribbling with crayons, ripping magazines for a collage, fashioning a new outfit.
Venting: Journaling, talking to a friend, talking to a pet or a plant, video journal, blog, write a letter (and do or don’t send it)
Validation
Validating your emotions through your words and actions can make them easier to work through. This includes acknowledging that your emotional experience makes sense in the context for your life and circumstances. Try starting with acknowledging that your anger serves a purpose, even if you don’t like feeling it. Feeling angry does not make you a bad person, and it does not make you less deserving of care, support, or connection.
If anger feels difficult to manage on your own, reaching out can help. Talking with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide support and perspective as you work through what you’re feeling.
Support is available, and learning to understand and work with your emotions can help you build healthier relationships with yourself and others. If you’re unsure where to start, or want to work with a therapist in Salt Lake City, our team is here for you. We can help you untangle what you're feeling and build a plan to navigate it. To see who might be a good fit for you and book a free consultation, click here.
